A little give, A little take!!

The key mechanism of any relationship lies in ‘a little give, a little take’.

Parent-child bond, bonds through marriage or a professional tie, all are signified while accomplishing the potential only by two-way traffic, ‘A little give, A little take’. 

A time bomb named as ‘relationship’ comprising cogs, namely, ‘providing and receiving’ operate in absolute sync consuming essential components like love, loyalty, trust, respect, communication, etc as the lubricant to avoid friction. If at all, any imbalance in the two cogs occurs, the mishap generally is followed by the glitch in the time bomb emanating catastrophes.

21st-century bondings have no common grounds with the ties and bonds shared back in the olden days. Families, friends and acquaintances stuck together for ages, then. 

Presently, any family connection or social affiliation easily associated to a time bomb, reason being, lack in the balance of giving and taking. Either, it is excess giving & no taking or, excess taking & no giving, in any case, bringing the connection ties’ survival rate to nearly zero. 

The shift in priorities has led to poignant consequences, lately. Willingness to compromise bearing in mind the well-being of the bond or the greater good coming with it has been engulfed in the love of mere commodity and rank.

An integral part of a bond is to compromise. 

However, to compromise is traditionally mistaken for acquiescing consumption of ourselves. Or, when the committed party is overly consumed ensued by his dedication, loyalty, love and priority.

compromise, relationships,give and take,balance in compromising, how much to compromise, what not to compromise, equal efforts, no exploitation of efforts,
A little give, a little take

To compromise:

To gain benefits, giving up on a few is enforced. It is nearly impossible to have all that is desired by one. Which raises the question of, what to compromise on and for what to strive? 

Individual choices, mindsets, desires, tradition, qualification, upbringing and circumstances execute the decision of what to compromise.

Overlooking education for a blissful happily ever after is preferable for some, while sweeping the idea of marriage under the carpet for a successful career might be more convenient for some. Quitting a job for taking care of the households may be the idea of compromising for many, while compelled signup as a breadwinner of the house become the compromise for some. 

The complication has never been ‘the compromise’, but, what is being compromised and how much is being compromised. 

The exploitation of a compromising person excels in assorted setbacks. 

The mishap may be distinct, right from mental breakdowns to breakups, from disloyalty to deception, from animosity to resentment, and many more such ill-consequences. 

What not to compromise:

As we all are compelled to make a compromise, what to compromise on is always in our control. Like things which should never be compromised are your ideas, goals, faith and belief, values, self-respect, dignity, happiness, individuality, integrity and self-worth along with any other facet of life you cannot imagine giving upon. For example: For me, it is my son. Compromising on being with him to get into new ties, is an inconceivable notion for me. 

So, before compromising, be sure of not compromising on the checklist provided above along with the aspect most dear and close to you and your heart.

How much to compromise:

While compromising, be upfront in drawing a line on how much is more and beyond the limit. No matter whoever we are with, the more we let ourselves be consumed, the more we get consumed, there is no upper limit set unless we set it ourselves. 

Serve on middle grounds until you’re at the receiving end as well. If only you’re the one providing, there might be an unpleasant finish. 

For whom to compromise:

  • Who feels just right. Trust your instincts.
  • Who knows your capability and capacity to give and wouldn’t ask for beyond.
  • The one equally providing and bringing his input into the ties, making the bonds stronger. 
  • Who acknowledges your effort and recognises your intentions even if the result turns out as unexpected. 
  • The one who wouldn’t exploit your resources of varied nature in any manner. 
  • Your parents without any conditions. The fact, they bring you into this world equate all your compromises.

For whom to not-compromise:

  • The one who never acknowledges your greatest efforts.
  • For the one, who never have it enough.
  • The ones who step into the bond empty-handed.
  • The one gauges your emotions, feelings through your compromise and degree of submission. 
  • For the one who would perpetually demand more.
  • The one who will stipulate the flow of the relationship based on your compromises and efforts.
  • Anyone who deliberately demands a compromise on your reverence and value. 

Lastly, after a certain point, there should be no scope of regret left. Compromise enough for the ones worth it while keeping your values, dignity and all the above intact, hence, keeping no room for remorse.

Is there anything you would want to add on any of the areas covered in the post? Do let us know in the comments below.

In Pieces!! – (Guest Post)

   It should not have taken me by such surprise but it did. For months my husband said he loved me, loved being a family man, loved being a dad to Spook. He bought me things. Then one day after months of telling me I was fine and didn’t need my meds because all my issues were just my bad personality…He called from work at 6 p.m. and said he’d see us after work. Three hours later, he called, mumbled into the phone, “I can’t do this anymore,” and he hung up. No doubt smashing his phone as he’d done before when he was ‘done’ with a woman. I was flabbergasted. I kept calling his cell and it went to voice mail.
    I tore into the bedroom and sure enough, all his clothes and computer were gone. Still not sure when or how he pulled that off since we had one car and he had no license so I wouldn’t let  him use it, but I was in a bad mental space. He could have sprouted two heads and I likely wouldn’t have noticed.  I’d begged him for weeks to make a call and get me into a psych doc because by that time, I was petrified to talk to other people. He always said he forgot, he’d do it tomorrow. He never did then had the nerve to say I drove him away by not being on my meds. After saying I didn’t need them, I just had personality disorders. This man everyone else found so charming and upstanding was in fact a pathological liar.


    I immediately took Spook to my mom’s and took myself to the ER. I was going to get medicated and referred to a psych doc and I was gonna get in my right mind because now I was a single mom with a 2 year old to raise on my small disability income. 3/4 of which was rent. I was in a panic but once I got some Xanax on board, I calmed down. I was still confused why he handled it like a teenage boy breaking up with a girlfriend. We were married, we had a child together, and ending things with a cryptic call after just 3 hours earlier tell me how much he loved me. I do not think even baffled is a strong enough word to describe how I was feeling for the next week or two.
     Once medicated properly again with a reliable doctor,  was when the gravity and reality of the sudden single motherhood finally hit me. This 2 year old little girl, confused that ‘da-da’ was suddenly not around, was counting on me. For everything. When some days with my mental health issues, it was all I could do to get myself out of bed and dressed. I did my very best, though, to keep a smile on my face and keep her routine normal as possible. If tears threatened, I’d step out of her view or into the bathroom, not wishing to add to her confusion of why mommy was so sad and scared. And I was terrified. The man left us with a power bill about to be disconnected, no food in the fridge, and Spook with no diapers. I had no way to bring in more money to get this stuff and many a night I stayed awake, stomach churning with anxiety, and cursing the day I allowed the donor to lie his way into my life.
    But everything happens for a reason and without him, I would not have my beautiful daughter so I regret nothing.
   I can’t however, forget anything, either. My own fear, my feelings of inadequacy, worrying if I was going to pass on my mental issues and ruin my child. Year after year, it became harder and more of a crippling fear. I admit there were times I basically zombie shambled through each day, making sure even if I hadn’t eaten or bathed in days, Spook’s needs were always met. The power of my love for my child gave me the strength to keep going, even when every fiber of my depressed being told me she’d be better off without me dragging her down. There were times when she would scream and hit me and break things and I’d call hotlines because I felt I needed help and yet…They didn’t see it as a problem other than a lack of consistent discipline on my part so I had to take on that added guilt and blow to my self esteem.
    There were times I almost wished her father would reappear and ask for visitation so I wouldn’t feel so crushed under the weight of it all by myself. I admit that with zero pride but I was overwhelmed and scared and…a train-wreck.

He’s been gone 9 years. He’s not asked to see our child. He moves and changes jobs and girlfriends every couple of  months. He tells people I won’t let him see her. 9 years with limited resources financially and mentally, I have raised this child alone. Doctor appointments, school, homework, school events, constant playdates at our house to the point I thought I’d have a nervous breakdown. The tantrums and her hitting me. The screaming. The ADHD. I am still here because I am her mom and I love her.
   To use something irutarts said to me, “He left in peace and left you in pieces.”
   That he did. But I picked up those pieces and I put myself back together best I could.
   The point everyone seems to miss is that this was never about him or me being jerks to each other. It’s about a little girl who asked for none of this and his abandonment and shunning of her is unforgivable. When she asks me why other kids have dads and she doesn’t…I just have to tell her  that her father and I couldn’t get along and he’s left his other kids, too, so it’s not your fault, Baby.
    He left her in pieces that will probably remain shattered into her adulthood and that is the true heartbreak of this failed relationship.
   The one thing she can say though is that she didn’t have a loving devoted mom who made sacrifices she she didn’t have to do without. Maybe she lost the two parent lottery, but she will always have me and I hope one day that means something to her. Maybe one day she will focus not on my failures but all of the things I did right.

This amazing post has been written by Niki Noir, writer and creator of https://msmoodswing.wordpress.com/

Visit her blog for more interesting issues on mental health issues.

Is Love Enough??

“But, I love him”, she cried, as her mom caressed her in her arms.

“Love is not enough, darling.” Mom consoled. 

This made her sink deeper into her cradle.

Blink of an eye earlier, everything seemed to be as perfect as a fairy tale. 

Then, what went wrong?? was the question. 

All of the promises and sweet plans right from the wedding to the old age were pushed off a cliff with the first blow of his slap striking her cheek leaving marks, testifying her pain. 

Every bash, every thrust untied the knots of hope bound by his weak promises. 

A slight shift in his conduct swiftly changed on to his drastic leap in behavior. 

With all this happening, she still assured herself with all the self-confirmation of love among the two and various non-existent reasons for staying. Yet, with every passing day, compromising demanded a piece of her self-respect, dignity, integrity and self-esteem.

To choose between love and self-love had become a walk on thin ice. 

In the first option, she would lose herself, gaining just the presence of the other and while choosing the latter, she would gain herself back while her heart remains bleeding for the companionship.

Love had struck her hard before she could fall in love with herself failing her to realize her value and worth. 

She never thought she would be in such a dilemma to choose between the two. 

Not knowing the value of the latter, she chose the first. Destining herself to aggression and oppression the relationship had to offer.

Only if she knew how essential is realizing self-worth would save her so many of her tears and sleepless nights.

Simultaneously, making it impossible for him to walk over her, treating her like a doormat.

Every relationship, demands more than just love. 

Love serves as a spark for the relationship to begin whereas, to keep the fire burning, it should be fueled by commitment, sincerity, respect, self-respect and the list goes on.

Love at one point does not play any role in keeping the souls together, it only happens when there is dedication, loyalty, respect, trust, honesty and dignity. 

“The word “love” in the Qur’an appears on over 90 places but interestingly it doesn’t define the word ‘love’ but speaks about the very first consequence of love, commitment. If you truly love, then commit, if you do not commit then your claim of love is not real.” — Sheikh Yassir Fazaga.

  • Commitment to each other’s trust and honesty.
  • Promise to be considerate of physical and emotional needs.
  • Commit to being loyal.
  • Offer and demand a sense of belonging.
  • Commit to being available when in need.
  • Commit to each other’s flaws and perfections, embracing and respecting it.
  • Committing to respect one’s personal space, ambition, dreams and desires.

The list goes on. Here, are just very few examples of commitment and what it seems like. 

The kind of love mentioned above is usually found in fairy tales and novels. But, this does not mean that we end up where we aren’t happy. 

I truly believe with commitment comes compromises from both the ends and no relationship is successful without it.

However, these compromises should be on grounds which does not pull you down in any way. Compromise only when it is acceptable to you depending on your priorities and not costing you your self-worth, dreams and dignity.

All said and done.

In the end, If you are not successful in ending up with the person you love always choose a person who loves you. This way, the love received mends and puts your broken pieces together, while being sure that you do not exploit the love you receive. 

Wrap

My first love at the age of 17. Lasted for 4.5 blissful years until we got engaged and his mom passed away. His father came into picture demanding for dowry and never-ending requirements.

My father decided to take a stand. Asked Z, if you love my daughter, then understand one thing, I refuse to pay you any extra penny from now on, only to hear in response, “Then I don’t see a point of this relationship. There’s no benefit for me in it”. 

I was devastated, yet pleading and compelling about the past 4.5 years spent together for the next 4 months. No result came out of the pleading anyway.

However, Love is never enough.

Do let me know, do you agree with the post. If not, then why??

Burning the bridges!!

Cupid’s arrow pierces right through your chest, blinding you to the flaws and making you go head over heels for the person you see through your rainbow glasses.
The next thing you know is you are together; mesmerized, dumbstruck by the beauty of your newest love.
Everything about your ‘very new love’ is attractive, flawless and irreplaceable.
At the sight of your ‘sweetheart’, cheeks shine redder than roses and the smile, too obvious to let go unnoticed.
Love remains in the air, sweethearts cuddling, hanging out, spending time together until knowing each other highlights the dark side of the other.
The rainbow glasses seem to lose its colour bringing forward the flaws.


Love reaches its highest point demanding for the best of efforts, but sadly that was already put in only in the initial days, all at once. Leaving both empty-handed and nothing to offer to each other making the relationship more difficult to survive.
Coochy coo, lovey-dovey talks turn into over the top yelling and arguing in no time.
Significant other starts looking out for ways to avoid spending time together.
While on the other hand, a new face comes to your vicinity, bringing all your interest and attention back into action.
Your loyalty is put at stake when just a wave in the corridor changes to having coffee breaks together.
The fights and arguments at home become more vivid as the new area of interest is slowly taking over the love, attention and time of the other.

However, a point comes where both are equally involved and interested in each other’s affairs, giving it a name ‘new BFF’. However, in no time, they become guilty of confessing their love for each other, in spite, of having a partner back home waiting for them respectively.
Giving way to more complications, issues and errors.

When a relationship is going through a turmoil, shouldn’t be looking for ways to get away from it.

Look for ways to mend the broken bridge and not burn the bridge by wandering away.

Excerpt
Disloyal relationships taking a poll on every other household with every passing day. If we are loyal, people in our surroundings allure us.
Therefore, always keep your deeds and intentions in check.

Always there is someone better out there. You can’t have everyone or a better one with every try.

So be happy and content with who you have. Cherish the positive side while embracing and accepting the negative.

Whoever deceives us is not one of us.” – Prophet Mohammed PBUH ((Sahih muslim 102 (43))

My Pick
Perfect is only the All-Mighty.
If we start looking for a perfect relationship or a perfect person, in the end, we end up with no one at all.