A little give, A little take!!

The key mechanism of any relationship lies in ‘a little give, a little take’.

Parent-child bond, bonds through marriage or a professional tie, all are signified while accomplishing the potential only by two-way traffic, ‘A little give, A little take’. 

A time bomb named as ‘relationship’ comprising cogs, namely, ‘providing and receiving’ operate in absolute sync consuming essential components like love, loyalty, trust, respect, communication, etc as the lubricant to avoid friction. If at all, any imbalance in the two cogs occurs, the mishap generally is followed by the glitch in the time bomb emanating catastrophes.

21st-century bondings have no common grounds with the ties and bonds shared back in the olden days. Families, friends and acquaintances stuck together for ages, then. 

Presently, any family connection or social affiliation easily associated to a time bomb, reason being, lack in the balance of giving and taking. Either, it is excess giving & no taking or, excess taking & no giving, in any case, bringing the connection ties’ survival rate to nearly zero. 

The shift in priorities has led to poignant consequences, lately. Willingness to compromise bearing in mind the well-being of the bond or the greater good coming with it has been engulfed in the love of mere commodity and rank.

An integral part of a bond is to compromise. 

However, to compromise is traditionally mistaken for acquiescing consumption of ourselves. Or, when the committed party is overly consumed ensued by his dedication, loyalty, love and priority.

compromise, relationships,give and take,balance in compromising, how much to compromise, what not to compromise, equal efforts, no exploitation of efforts,
A little give, a little take

To compromise:

To gain benefits, giving up on a few is enforced. It is nearly impossible to have all that is desired by one. Which raises the question of, what to compromise on and for what to strive? 

Individual choices, mindsets, desires, tradition, qualification, upbringing and circumstances execute the decision of what to compromise.

Overlooking education for a blissful happily ever after is preferable for some, while sweeping the idea of marriage under the carpet for a successful career might be more convenient for some. Quitting a job for taking care of the households may be the idea of compromising for many, while compelled signup as a breadwinner of the house become the compromise for some. 

The complication has never been ‘the compromise’, but, what is being compromised and how much is being compromised. 

The exploitation of a compromising person excels in assorted setbacks. 

The mishap may be distinct, right from mental breakdowns to breakups, from disloyalty to deception, from animosity to resentment, and many more such ill-consequences. 

What not to compromise:

As we all are compelled to make a compromise, what to compromise on is always in our control. Like things which should never be compromised are your ideas, goals, faith and belief, values, self-respect, dignity, happiness, individuality, integrity and self-worth along with any other facet of life you cannot imagine giving upon. For example: For me, it is my son. Compromising on being with him to get into new ties, is an inconceivable notion for me. 

So, before compromising, be sure of not compromising on the checklist provided above along with the aspect most dear and close to you and your heart.

How much to compromise:

While compromising, be upfront in drawing a line on how much is more and beyond the limit. No matter whoever we are with, the more we let ourselves be consumed, the more we get consumed, there is no upper limit set unless we set it ourselves. 

Serve on middle grounds until you’re at the receiving end as well. If only you’re the one providing, there might be an unpleasant finish. 

For whom to compromise:

  • Who feels just right. Trust your instincts.
  • Who knows your capability and capacity to give and wouldn’t ask for beyond.
  • The one equally providing and bringing his input into the ties, making the bonds stronger. 
  • Who acknowledges your effort and recognises your intentions even if the result turns out as unexpected. 
  • The one who wouldn’t exploit your resources of varied nature in any manner. 
  • Your parents without any conditions. The fact, they bring you into this world equate all your compromises.

For whom to not-compromise:

  • The one who never acknowledges your greatest efforts.
  • For the one, who never have it enough.
  • The ones who step into the bond empty-handed.
  • The one gauges your emotions, feelings through your compromise and degree of submission. 
  • For the one who would perpetually demand more.
  • The one who will stipulate the flow of the relationship based on your compromises and efforts.
  • Anyone who deliberately demands a compromise on your reverence and value. 

Lastly, after a certain point, there should be no scope of regret left. Compromise enough for the ones worth it while keeping your values, dignity and all the above intact, hence, keeping no room for remorse.

Is there anything you would want to add on any of the areas covered in the post? Do let us know in the comments below.

Whats your personality?

Personality is the glitter that sends your little gleam across the footlights and the orchestra pit into that big black space where the audience is. – Mae West


I recently came across a personality test. (it’s new for me, at least)

An interesting way to have a deeper understanding of your character behavior and your perspective towards life.

Your strengths / weaknesses, approach towards your love life, What kind of a parent you will make or you are already, how do you tend to perform career wise, and many more such details about your personality are revealed upon spending approx 10 – 12 mins on this test and answering a set of questions about your instincts and habitual behavior.

I propose everyone to take a shot at this test, as it helps you get better at reflective practices and develop the needed aspects of yourself while being able to cherish the attributes which might have seemed to be trivial.

As being in the administration and HR, I would now be making it necessary for the candidates to turn in the results of this test as an added info about the interviewee.

As my test result, I scored an “Advocate Personality” type.

To know more about the advocate personality, click here.

Here is the link to the test, feel free to take the test and share the answers if you feel appropriate.

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

While taking the test, please be super honest,as this will be a reflective exercise and help you know yourself better.

Do let us know in the comments below if you have taken the test already and what do you feel about it or share your answers to the test with us.

Emotional Sedation!!

Admiration, adoration, appreciation of beauty, amusement, anger, anxiety, awe, awkwardness, boredom, calmness, confusion, craving, disgust, emphatic pain, entrancement, excitement, fear, horror, interest, joy, nostalgia, relief, etc are all various categories of emotions. 

A typical person would experience many of the above emotions in different instances. 

An individual who encounters various emotions and gracefully handles it is taken to be mentally stable along with being aware of himself and his actions. 

The correlation of emotions with feelings is that of height and weight. 

Every emotion has a specific feel along with it. 

Every emotion is a blessing, be it of any kind. 

However, today, I would like to dedicate my post to emotional sedation. Sedative effect on our mental awareness of emotions. 

A traumatic childhood, an unexpected negatively charged extreme event which we were never prepared to face at the given time. It’s a hard blow on our psychological and emotional capacity of dealing with situations. Thus, leading to tinnitus, further resulting in lingering emotional numbness.

Emotional numbness, surprisingly, apart from the above-stated cause, can also be cultural and societal. In many cultures, the emotional state is not given due attention and hence, crying is related to weakness, while anger is looked up for strength. These societies pushing the mental health under the carpet, emphasizes its people on being stoic, rational and emotionally invulnerable. 

Having oneself in these various situations, the preferred road is simple, not to feel any emotions at all. 

The instance can be no better than that of a rape victim. The atrocious episode leaves the victim with a string of loud tinnitus and moving on to emotional numbness. the heinous event concludes in a void of emotions. Unable to feel, express or communicate becomes new configuration in the system of the sufferer. Similarly, severe loss, stress, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), physical and mental abuse, are also few of many causes for sedation of emotions.

When speaking of mental health, emotional numbness is still a secret disease calling out for more attention. large numbers are oblivious of their malady, while others are in denial, as being stoic, stable and emotionally aware are always valued and held in high prestige. 

The crisis awareness of emotional numbness is eminent. Somebody in sentimental anaesthesia is no longer aware of any feeling, emotions or sentiments. Be it of his own or anyone involved, hence, dysfunctional coping mechanisms, depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from the inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses, inconsideration, insensitiveness, etc follows.

Being mindful of ourselves and ones around us is the key to reach out. 

Mentioned below are a few analytical ways in which one can be pinpointed.

  • Failure to express strong negative or positive emotions
  • Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e. feeling like you’re a passive observer)
  • ‘Life is like a dream’ sense. (a feeling of unreality)
  • Living on autopilot.
  • Absence of interest in schemes, others find fun.
  • Feeling aloof from others.
  • An impulse to revoke from friends and family members.
  • Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind
  • Animosity for people who show vivid emotions (both positive and negative)
  • Feeling numb in situations which should typically engender strong emotion
  • Panic attack when intense emotions eventually breakthrough.
  • Emptiness within.
  • Physical and mental insentience or blandness.

The extreme numbness may even influence the patient for suicidal attempts too.

Once we know the causes. Identify the silent bearers to recommend the ways to cure the silent disease.

As, the sentimental sedation is not permanent and so, the cure is available for both, long and short term. 

  • Identify the underlying reason for the numbness. 
  • See a psychiatrist. It is completely alright to visit a mental-health doctor. The old fashioned taboo of having a mental health issue is no more a dispute (at least in many countries and cultures). 
  • Talk to people who you feel closest to. People who make you feel connected, communicate and help yourself attain relief.
  • Exercise daily. Yoga, boxing, kick-boxing are great stress busters. However, a casual walk around the neighborhood also does wonders.  
  • Get ample sleep. Lack of sleep adds to the irritation and fatigue, hence, worsening the situation.
  • A well-balanced healthy diet is a must. It helps regulates and improves your mood.
  • Stress management. Minimize the stress and engage in stress-busting activities like meditation, prayers. Identify the stress enhancing factors and try to deal with them positively while getting rid of them eventually.
  • Determine emotions and articulate emotions. if you find this the hardest. do not delay in seeing a psychiatrist, let him tap your emotions for you and you can take it forward from there. 🙂

To the ones who are suffering from emotional numbness, you are not the only one. There are a lot more fighting the secret fight daily and maybe in the worst of situations. This sickness is momentary if crucial care is provided at once.

Have your say on emotional numbness in the comments below.

Had we confessed!! – (Guest Post)

Dear roll no 638

Subject: Had we confessed!

10th October 1991, Thursday when Roll No 638 bewitched me just to change the course of my perspective, priorities and preferences. Ever since then I began to live in a world of fantasy wherein    everything revolved around him. Days definitely commenced with my routine customary prayers, but now they changed too.  Imploring God to have a glimpse of Roll No 638 became its objective. Sleepless nights were spent weaving dreams of us together while days were spent supplicating that he does not play truant. But with each passing day, his reckless play-truant attitude gradually grew stronger, making my prayers more intense and his appearance less likely.  

Twenty Eight long years, yet our first encounter is etched deep in my memory, every detail distinctively fresh and crisp. It was our college excursion where we had first met; with every eye contact no dialogues were exchanged yet our eyes spoke volumes making the day worth memorable. Distinctly reminiscing when he first appeared before me, with all his opulent personality, dressed in the most casual grey stonewashed jeans and white printed shirt, his chiselled jaw lifted with a sweet, pleasing smile accentuating his devil’s tooth, his eyes twinkling with impishness, his dark black hair neatly done behind and his voice though exuding pride yet was soothing and genial. He had an unusual lethal combination of sturdy, muscular physique and an incredible sense of humour (a combination almost extinct in men then).  He was the Greek God per se, a bearer of a charming, smart and attractive demeanour. A complete package any girl would fall for. He had successfully cast his spell upon me that day.

He became the reason to regularly attend college. My eyes would scan the classroom only to rest on him and vice versa. His look would pulverize me, blushingly I would rip my eyes away from his. Less attention was on the lessons but more on his hilarious comments and mischief. He was roll no 638 and I was roll no 645, we occupied adjacent benches during exams. Being a regular student, my notes would always make rounds in the class. However, my adonis made use of them only during exams for cheating purposes. Thus my only motive to study for exams was to share my answer sheet with him in order to ensure that we remain class fellows.

Since we were pursuing science, laboratory sessions were an essential part of the course. He would be irregular for lectures but fortunately regular for lab sessions. I would always look forward for these sessions as we were to arrange ourselves as per our roll numbers. We shared the same lab counter for experiments. We had many instances where we bumped into each other, grabbed the same test tube or the same chemical but ironically spoke nothing just smiled and drew ourselves in different directions. With him around I was oblivious to the world around me. We would enjoy every silent and speechless conversation between us.

Probably, coming from a conservative family social barriers, fears and pressures prohibited us from being extrovert. Subsequently, deterring us to speak to each other too, but however, we shared an amazing oculesics communication.

Today, I sit back and traverse down the memory lane just to understand that life goes on. No one is indispensable and so is he. My life has moved on unfortunately without him but with beautiful memories of his charismatic smile, his humour filled one-liners and his devil-may-care attitude. Optimistically I believe his life too must have moved on successfully with someone worthy.

But, today while ruminating the past, I regret not speaking to him at least once! How I regret he could have taken the initiative to speak to me at least once (being the man)! How I wish we could express our feelings for each other in words! Why didn’t I ever muster up my courage and confess? Why didn’t he ever articulate his feelings into words?

 I am positive, wherever he is, he might be still remembering me. As I still remember him. His well-being is always included in my prayers till date but crossing paths now after 28 years is always excluded.

Stay blessed wherever and whoever you are with …

Regretfully

SH

Please welcome Sheen to the blogging platform.

She comes to us with her mouth-watering dishes.

To treat your taste buds with her appetizing recipes, click here.

To know more about the author, click here

https://sheensbuffet.wordpress.com/about/

Do let us know how you liked her fictional take on writing in the comments below.

Life span of a bubble!!

This is for who you were and what you should be;
you were someone with high aspirations and big dreams,
you wanted to travel a lot and explore the unexplored,
you wanted to walk high streets, live in a mansion,wear exquisite clothes and fine jewelry with an army of servants-a princess.

Splash !!! Wake-up, Wake-up,

You are 21, married, and the reality is;

Your loneliness having a spouse, bruises, hurt, pain and turmoil. Physical and emotional trauma, you are disconnected.

5 years of tragedy ended with a lesson ideal ending isn’t possession of wealth but genuine relationship.

Alas!! learnt it a very hard way.

Now you yearn for a small loving home where trust, respect are valued and treasured, which can be cherished for life. Like your previous dreams, this too remains unfulfilled.

At 29, you are gifted with a divorce with a package of fights over our two daughters, least expected but you braved the storm and came out of it with dignity and grace and ready to dream once again!! Ready to blow my bubble again!!

This time be kind to yourself by loving yourself first and living your dream and be an inspiration and leave behind a legacy that no one can define you but the CHOICES you make.

Now is your chance to live your dreams.
Love,
Hafsah

Do let us know in the comment below, how you liked our post.

The Macho Sentiment (Guest Post)

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

The world knows it as Newton’s third law of motion, I am sure he wanted to say the Third Law of Emotion. Because, whatever you say or do, it tends to generate a certain kind of emotional reaction in other people. This is very evident in the case of social media celebrities – one tweet or one Instagram story from them and you can see all emotions flooding the comment section. 

When I agreed to write about this topic, I was a little unsure if I can do it. Not because I do not have emotions. I do realize my eyes oozing out a teardrop when I am watching an emotional scene and my hand wisely wiping it off secretly before my wife finds out about this and mocks me. I was hesitant because I cannot even name many of the emotions. Just like I can recognize only basic colours on the rainbow and not all the shades on the paint company’s colour catalogue, I understand the basic emotions like fear, anger, and happiness but I cannot clearly identify the other emotions and feelings. Partly because, as men, we do not talk about other emotions much. It is not very common to hear two buddies, at least as I have observed, having conversations like “I am extremely anxious about this situation”, “This made me super emotional, I feel sad”, or “I am feeling ashamed”. Most of the conversations will be about positive emotions like pride, excitement & amusement.

Each one is different. In my case, many a time I catch myself going into an empty cocoon without thinking about anything. I don’t feel anything – neither happy nor sad, neither anger nor fear. I am calm. I think this is the enlightenment state that many spiritual leaders talk about. My wife doesn’t think so. She says I may have some sort of diurnal lagophthalmos. As a man who has not read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, I refuse to let her assumptions shake my belief. I was thinking maybe I am special until I found this video from Mark Gungor. The response from the crowd says how true this could be for all men. All men seem to get into a box (not the final one, although one day they will). 

I am not an expert in this field. If I was, I would be publishing a book instead and charging for it. In order to learn more about emotions I started reading the book, “Master your emotions”. I must say that I was not too emotionally attached to the content and set it aside for another time. Like any normal human being slaving in the Information Technology world would do, I resorted to Dr.Google and asked, “Hey Google, how do men handle their emotions?” There were a bunch of articles both from experts and from wannabes like me. Some interesting ways that men use to handle their emotions, that caught my attention, are listed below. 

The feelings may be expressed in the form of physical ailments. It looks like men tend to complain of sudden headaches, backaches etc when they are emotional. Have I done this before? I do get headaches and backaches but mostly they are either because I am sick or because of strenuous physical work like sitting in that uncomfortable seat in the flight for 9 hours. I do feel fatigued on certain days but that’s a rare occurrence.  Otherwise, I was guilty of occasionally faking physical complaints to avoid a certain situation or people. Maybe that was my way of expressing disinterest? Is disinterest an emotion? Not sure. Only experts can say. 

Men remodel one feeling into other feelings. They tend to convert emotions that they perceive as weak like sadness into an emotion that they feel is strong, like anger. The belief that it is okay for men to express anger but not sadness could be because the former is considered as a more masculine feeling. We have all done that. When I feel incredibly sad about how little common sense few people have, I turn the hulk mode on and smash that like button, err, smash whatever is in hand. I miss my Nokia 3310. Sigh!

Walking away is the default survival instinct. When men find themselves in an emotional situation they tend to walk away from that place or situation to calm themselves down. Be it when you are arguing with your better half or when you are in a group where the stupidity hits the fan. I have walked away from a lot of arguments when I sense that my heartbeat is rising up. But with this Corona fiasco on, not many people have the luxury of walking away from an argument. Please remember facing the conflict and having that argument with your wife is far healthier than going away and risking your life. 

Is it really a blog post if you don’t leave a quote at the end to ponder about? Here is the food for thought on handling emotions from an anonymous person that is generally attributed to Lord Buddha (or Mark Twain, if you know what I mean) on the internet. 

“Don’t promise when you are happy, don’t reply when you are angry and don’t decide when you are sad.”

Mr Sadogapan Govindan

https://sadagopangovindan.com/

To know more about the author, Mr Sadogapan, click here.

Do let us know in the comments below, if you feel the same about how men handle emotions or if you have anything more to add to the list.

Nostalgia!!

#CommunityChallenge Letter to an old friend.
10-day writing challenge at Blogging community.

Dear Hina,

Subject: I miss you!!


How are you? Where are you?
The last memory I have of you is from the farewell we bid to each other in early 2002. Since then I have longed to meet you, see you, know about your whereabouts but, all efforts were in vain.
The memories we made are irreplaceable. Courtesy of my best childhood days goes to you. Our never-ending hours of role-playing, cycling, hide and seeks are still fresh in the mind as though it just ended yesterday.
Two neatly done plaits with red ribbon bow at the end lay softly on your skinny shoulders and loose hair at the fore-front framing your dusky bony face gracefully. Crystal clear image of our first encounter, you accompanying your mom to our house to do the chores.
then it became a daily thing in no time.
Times, situations changed, we moved away. Best friends became strangers overnight. We couldn’t be in touch anymore as our finances and age did not equip us to be in touch at the time.
However, after 10 long years, I did come back to refresh our old memories, only to find out you had eloped with a man of your choice and your parents had disowned you. Your mom didn’t discuss much, but, she was delighted to see me.
Any ways, where ever you are, I hope you are doing good. And, whenever I have to talk about my childhood friend or childhood memory, be it through a letter or be it anything related, the only name comes to my mind is ‘HINA’.
I miss you.

Hoping to meet you one day.
Irut.

Do let us know in the comment. how you feel about the letter to ‘an old friend’.

You want to write a letter and let others read, take part in the community challenge and be a part of the every growing blogging community on the link mentioned below.

https://bloggingexposure.wordpress.com/category/lets-write-letters/

Aghaz-E-Aftaab آغاز-ی-آفتاب

ان کی اجلی ہوئی زندگی کو دیکھ کر ہم نے منہ موڑ لیا
یہ سوچ کے۔۔۔!

اجلا ہوا شخص ہمیں کیا سلجھے گا۔

Un Ki Uljeeh Hoi Zindagi Ko Dekh K Hum Ne Mu Mor Lia
Ya Soch K..!

Uljah Huwa Shakhs Hamain Kya Suljahy Gaa.

Writer Mr Moiz

دیکھا آنکھوں نے خط لکھا ہاتھوں نے پیر چل کے گئے خط دینے

جس نے دیکھا اس نے لکھا نہیں جس نے لکھا وہ گیا نہیں

اب جب چوٹ لگی دل پہ تو آنسو نکلے آنکھوں سے

DeKha AnKho Ne KhaAt Likha HaTo Ne Pair ChAl K Gay KhaAt DeNy..!

JiS Ne DeKhA UsNe LeKhA NaHi JiS Ne LiKhA Wo GaYa NaHi..!

Ab JaB ChOt LaGi Dil Pe ..! Tu AnSu NeKly AnKho Sy..*

Writer Mr_Moiz

اس بات کا دکھ نہیں کہ وہ کیوں چلے گئے!

دکھ تو اس بات کا ہے..!
اگر انہیں جانا ہی تھا تو وہ آئے کیوں.!

رائٹر معیز


Is Bat Ka Dukh Nahi K Wo Kyun Chaly Gay !

Dukh To Is Bat Ka Hai…!
Agar Unhe Jana He Tha To Wo Aay Kyun.!

Writer Mr_Moiz

تم سے محبت اس حد تک ہے
تم سے بچھڑے زمانے ہو گئے

لیکن
عدالات میں مقدمہ-ی-مہبت آج بھی چل رہا ہے۔
رائیٹر معیز

Tum Say Muhabbat Is Had Tak Hai.
Tum Say Bechray Zamany Ho Gay.

Lekin
Adalat Main Muqadma-e-Muhabbat Aj Bhi Chal Raha Hai.

Writer Mr_Moiz

لوگوں سے کیا گلا!
ہم سے تو بارش کی بھی دشمنی ہے!

تب تب برستی ہے !
جب جب دل أداس ہوتا ہے!

رائیٹر معیز

Logo Say Kia Gila!
Hum Say To Barish Ki Bhi Dushmani Hai !!

Tab Tab Barasti Hai
Jab Jab Dil Udas Hota Hai…!

Writer Mr_Moiz

مت کہو انہیں بے وفا!
وہ بے وفا نہیں!

یارو۔۔۔!

محبت ھم کرتے ھیں!
وہ نہیں!

رائٹر معیز

Mat Kaho Unhe Bewafa!
Wo Bewafa Nahi!

Yaroo….!

Muhabbat Hum Karty Hain!
Wo nahi!

Writer Mr_Moiz

تم سے محبت اس حد تک ہے!

” کے”

اپنے ہی محفل میں اپنے ہی “رقیب” کو پہلی ہی صف میں بٹھا دیتے ہیں

رائٹر معیز

Tum Sy Muhabbat Is Had Tak Hai !

“K”

Apne He Mehfil Main Apne He Raqeeb Ko Pheli Hi Saf Main Betha Detain Hain.

Write Mr. Moiz

سر قلم کر دیا گیا بیچ سڑک میں۔

قتل-ی-محبت جو تھا
سازا تو ملنی ہی تھی۔

رائٹر معیز

Sir Kalam Kar Dia Gaya Beech Sadak Main

Qatal-E-Muhabbat Jo Tha Saza To Milne He Thin

Writer Mr.Moiz

In Pieces!! – (Guest Post)

   It should not have taken me by such surprise but it did. For months my husband said he loved me, loved being a family man, loved being a dad to Spook. He bought me things. Then one day after months of telling me I was fine and didn’t need my meds because all my issues were just my bad personality…He called from work at 6 p.m. and said he’d see us after work. Three hours later, he called, mumbled into the phone, “I can’t do this anymore,” and he hung up. No doubt smashing his phone as he’d done before when he was ‘done’ with a woman. I was flabbergasted. I kept calling his cell and it went to voice mail.
    I tore into the bedroom and sure enough, all his clothes and computer were gone. Still not sure when or how he pulled that off since we had one car and he had no license so I wouldn’t let  him use it, but I was in a bad mental space. He could have sprouted two heads and I likely wouldn’t have noticed.  I’d begged him for weeks to make a call and get me into a psych doc because by that time, I was petrified to talk to other people. He always said he forgot, he’d do it tomorrow. He never did then had the nerve to say I drove him away by not being on my meds. After saying I didn’t need them, I just had personality disorders. This man everyone else found so charming and upstanding was in fact a pathological liar.


    I immediately took Spook to my mom’s and took myself to the ER. I was going to get medicated and referred to a psych doc and I was gonna get in my right mind because now I was a single mom with a 2 year old to raise on my small disability income. 3/4 of which was rent. I was in a panic but once I got some Xanax on board, I calmed down. I was still confused why he handled it like a teenage boy breaking up with a girlfriend. We were married, we had a child together, and ending things with a cryptic call after just 3 hours earlier tell me how much he loved me. I do not think even baffled is a strong enough word to describe how I was feeling for the next week or two.
     Once medicated properly again with a reliable doctor,  was when the gravity and reality of the sudden single motherhood finally hit me. This 2 year old little girl, confused that ‘da-da’ was suddenly not around, was counting on me. For everything. When some days with my mental health issues, it was all I could do to get myself out of bed and dressed. I did my very best, though, to keep a smile on my face and keep her routine normal as possible. If tears threatened, I’d step out of her view or into the bathroom, not wishing to add to her confusion of why mommy was so sad and scared. And I was terrified. The man left us with a power bill about to be disconnected, no food in the fridge, and Spook with no diapers. I had no way to bring in more money to get this stuff and many a night I stayed awake, stomach churning with anxiety, and cursing the day I allowed the donor to lie his way into my life.
    But everything happens for a reason and without him, I would not have my beautiful daughter so I regret nothing.
   I can’t however, forget anything, either. My own fear, my feelings of inadequacy, worrying if I was going to pass on my mental issues and ruin my child. Year after year, it became harder and more of a crippling fear. I admit there were times I basically zombie shambled through each day, making sure even if I hadn’t eaten or bathed in days, Spook’s needs were always met. The power of my love for my child gave me the strength to keep going, even when every fiber of my depressed being told me she’d be better off without me dragging her down. There were times when she would scream and hit me and break things and I’d call hotlines because I felt I needed help and yet…They didn’t see it as a problem other than a lack of consistent discipline on my part so I had to take on that added guilt and blow to my self esteem.
    There were times I almost wished her father would reappear and ask for visitation so I wouldn’t feel so crushed under the weight of it all by myself. I admit that with zero pride but I was overwhelmed and scared and…a train-wreck.

He’s been gone 9 years. He’s not asked to see our child. He moves and changes jobs and girlfriends every couple of  months. He tells people I won’t let him see her. 9 years with limited resources financially and mentally, I have raised this child alone. Doctor appointments, school, homework, school events, constant playdates at our house to the point I thought I’d have a nervous breakdown. The tantrums and her hitting me. The screaming. The ADHD. I am still here because I am her mom and I love her.
   To use something irutarts said to me, “He left in peace and left you in pieces.”
   That he did. But I picked up those pieces and I put myself back together best I could.
   The point everyone seems to miss is that this was never about him or me being jerks to each other. It’s about a little girl who asked for none of this and his abandonment and shunning of her is unforgivable. When she asks me why other kids have dads and she doesn’t…I just have to tell her  that her father and I couldn’t get along and he’s left his other kids, too, so it’s not your fault, Baby.
    He left her in pieces that will probably remain shattered into her adulthood and that is the true heartbreak of this failed relationship.
   The one thing she can say though is that she didn’t have a loving devoted mom who made sacrifices she she didn’t have to do without. Maybe she lost the two parent lottery, but she will always have me and I hope one day that means something to her. Maybe one day she will focus not on my failures but all of the things I did right.

This amazing post has been written by Niki Noir, writer and creator of https://msmoodswing.wordpress.com/

Visit her blog for more interesting issues on mental health issues.